I'm on a roll!

Wow- two posts in as many days! Watch out!

I was just thinking that I need to get a move on if I want to make presents for Christmas, so here's my to-sew list to inspire me.

For Jimmy
Shorts- denim with transport print cuffs
Hat

For Elizabeth
Quilt cover
A few pairs of cotton shorts

For Tiffany
One or two skirts

All of this is going to be made using fabric from my stash, as I'm on a self-imposed buying ban until next year.

WHERE has the time gone???

My goodness, but I've been a slack blogger lately! It's probably because I've actually been quite busy.

So what's been happening? Lots of playing outside with the kids and enjoying every moment with them. Jimmy is still my funny, entertaining little boy, with an incredible memory and a real talent for building things and using his imagination. His favourite word at the moment is 'random'. "There's a yellow car- that's so random!", etc etc. Sooooo funny. He plays with Lego every single day, and is always bringing out his latest creation to show me. It's usually a Transformer...that's what he calls them. They are a particular kind piece of engineering that has more than one purpose, like a motorbike-digger-train-cherry picker Transformer. He cracks me up.

Elizabeth is still her determined little self, but is tantrumming a lot less nowadays. She loves playing with her toys and idolises her big brother. Her constant companions are her dummy (Mummy) and Pinky (Giggy). The other week I tried to wean her off Pinky during the day and it failed miserably. Not only that, it seemed to make her want more toys. Now she has Turtle (Gurgle) and Bunny (By-ee). So every time she gets upset we hear, "Mummy! Giggy! Gurgle! By-ee!" It's so cute. Other funny words: Mimmy (Jimmy), By-ah (spider), bee-doo (beetle), Gary (Nutri-Grain...don't ask because I don't know), bee-ook (milk), Bappy (Jasper), gow (towel, down, out), whah (fluff/ fart).

I have been doing a lot of music stuff. I have an orchestra concert on the weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. I went down to Canberra a few weeks ago with a friend and fellow flautist for the Australian Flute Festival. It was a four day festival and we had a ball. I learned heaps and came back motivated to play and teach.

I'm sending my resume to all the private schools on the Coast tomorrow. It would be great if there;s a vacancy somewhere next term! Fingers crossed!

What a night!

I had the most incredible night last night!

The Broadbeach Jazz Festival was on, and I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was going. Even though T had her birthday party sleepover last night. Nothing stands between me and my music- nothing, I tell ya!

Katie Noonan was headlining and although I'd never even heard her, I was looking forward to it as I've heard she is incredible. I watched some snippets of her on Youtube in the afternoon and thought she had a very sweet voice but that it wasn't really my style. I usually like female singers with big, powerful voices. I also thought that, being an outdoor gig, she wouldn't sound as good live, especially with the fierce wind we had last night.

I picked up my friends from the 1980s themed birthday party they were at and we headed in to town. We were about 10 minutes late as I didn't have any coins for the parking fee and had to go get some. As we walked toward the stage, an incredible sound floated on the night air. It sounded as if an angel was singing. I thought it must have been a recording, and when we saw her on stage singing, I literally stopped and stared in amazement. Tam screamed at me to go closer and grabbed my arm and before I knew it, we were in the middle of the crowd. I just stood there with tears in my eyes, not believing what I was hearing. No performer has ever touched me in such a way. I couldn't stop my body from swaying, nor keep the grin from my face. After a few minutes Tam pushed her way through the crowd again, and we were RIGHT on front of the stage. It felt so intimate and special.

I didn't want it to end, but it did. I've never enjoyed a musical performance so much.

My friends had to head back to their friend's party, and I went with them. The hosts welcomed me with open arms, even though I'd never met them. There was awesome 1980s music playing and we had an absolute ball until I left at about 12:45. I love my friends so much.

Raddest weekend for a while...

Our weekends have been depressingly boring of late, so it was nice to have a good one.

It started with a girls' night in on Friday with my three closest friends. We ate vegetarian laksa, drank wine, chatted and laughed our heads off. Unfortunately I had to leave at midnight so couldn't join in the slumber party :(, but it was fantastic to spend 5 hours with my favourite people.

On Saturday I taught my two flute students, then we rushed off to the carpet place before it closed at 11:30 to choose the carpet for our insurance claim. I actually ended up liking the one DH liked, which I originally said I hated. Then because it was such a nice day we decided to go down to the SPit and get some fish and chips from the famous fish-and-chippery down there. Unfortunately the queue was out the door, and the kitchen hadn't even opened yet, so we wondered over to Marina Mirage (a very posh shopping centre frequented by rich 'boaties') and looked for another F&C shop (which we didn't find). Then we went onto the marina and showed the kids all the boats. Some of them were ridiculously large and I had fun checking out all the rich, stilletto-wearing 'boat people' tottering over to their million-dollar yachts.

After that we went back to the F&C shop which by now had started serving and cooking, but the queue was still a Far Queue (geddit?). So we jumped in the car and drove along the esplanade towards Surfers looking for another one. We saw a billion Chinese, Indian and pizza takeaway places, but not one seafood! So DH suggested we just go to our favourite on in Miami and eat it at the park on the beach. So we did. It was awesome.

On the way home we looked at a prize home and bought a couple of tickets, then I made chicken and sweetcorn soup for the first time. It was super yummy and the kids loved it.

This morning we dropped the kids off at their grandparents' place and went to see Harry Potter. It was super! Afterwards we grabbed some sushi then went back to get the kids. When we got home I did some work on a big sewing order then just played with the kids all afternoon.

DH made rissoles, chips and salad for dinner, which was a big hit. Afterwards, Jimmy did a really stinky fart and told me it was because he'd eaten bumholes for dinner. Hahaha!!!

I've just done 15 minutes on the exercise bike and some abdominal and arm exercises, and now I'm off to do some more sewing. Goodnight!

P.S. After reading through this entry, our weekend wasn't exciting at all....but it was a happy one, and that's all I can ask for!

Feeling better

It's amazing how the mind can grab hold of a single thought, and just go over and over that thought until the thought is all you see...all you hear...all you think.

It's incredible how quickly I forgot (or decided to ignore) all the coping strategies that my psychologist taught me in the 12 sessions I had with her.

I have no idea how I went from a perfectly happy wife to researching rental prices and single parenting payments in one day.

Anyway, things are much better now. DH convinced me not to leave him. I'm back to my regular happy self.

So to the two dear friends who read my last post and contacted me because they were worried...thankyou, from the bottom of my heart.

I must admit that it is a very desolate feeling to see the blog visit counter go up, but no further messages or comments....

I started this blog as a way to get rid of all the words swimming around in my head, but I don't think I will write about bad stuff any more. This is the second big bad post and the second time only 1 or 2 people have checked in with me. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, and maybe only those 2 people read the posts...hence the lack of responses from others.

Feeling miserable, trapped and confused

I'm so sick of feeling like this.

I am feeling like I would do almost anything to get away from my stepdaughter. I want to leave but at the same time it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

How could I leave my husband? How could I take my children away from their daddy, and not burst into tears when Jimmy cries for him and asks when he's coming home?

How can I live on my own? How can I be away from my children on weekends? How can I survive in an empty, lonely house every weekend?

But how can I go on like this? How can I keep living in misery, being mother to a child that I can't stand, whose own parents find it very difficult to like her? A child who, at 12 years of age, whinges constantly, is lazy, selfish, stubborn, and nasty? Who gets worse and worse every year, with the worst years yet to come, and whom 18 pyschology sessions seem to have been completely wasted on?

How can I keep doing this?

Time 'out'

I love Thursdays! Thursday is my 'time out' day. Jimmy goes to day care, and Elizabeth goes to her grandparents for the morning, or sometimes until I pick the big kids up in the afternoon.

I don't know why I find it so exciting to come home to an empty house and plan the day's housework. Where will I start? Should I hang out the washing first, or grab my clutter bucket and put everything back in its place? What a sad, sad soul I've become!

So this is what I did today:

- Washed and hung out a load of nappies and a load of clothes/ new fabric
- Folded and put away yesterday's clean nappies
- Made 3 litres of vegetable stock (first time! Will never buy stock again)
- Picked everything up off the floor in every room; put them back in their proper homes
- Dusted
- Cleaned both bathrooms with good ole bicarb and vinegar
- Vacuumed and mopped the whole house
- Emtied all the bins
- Made all the beds; put on winter blankets because it's been damn cold lately
- Turned a really cute but really tight dress that I never wear into a mega cute, 1950s style halter top (to wear out tomorrow night!)

A pretty productive day, I'm sure you'll agree! And the best part was picking up my darlings at the end of the day and seeing how happy they were to see me.

Time has been getting on, as it tends to. I know that I'm stuffed at the end of each day, but I can't remember all the stuff that's been happening.

My band had its first gig last Wednesday. It was super fun. We played at a music camp that has been going on for yonks (I went in grades 6 and 7) which is open to all Gold Coast state school students who play an instrument. There were about 200 of them there, plus about 10-15 teachers (3 of whom are in the band). The kids went berserk for us, even though we didn't play our best.
We've only been rehearsing every 4 weeks but we've stepped it up to fortnightly now.


That's me in the middle :)

Things with my stepdaughter have been ridiculously bad this week. I gave my husband an ultimatum when I was hormonal and very upset. Thankfully I felt better at the end of the day. Then T had a massive meltdown last night which resulted in DH taking her to her Gran's and trying to run off when they got there. She spent the night there and has cooled down. I'm seriously doubting my ability to cope much longer- 12 psychologist sessions for me and 18 for her haven't seemed to have made any difference.

Today I did a spot of op shopping. I was looking for jeans as the bargain pair I found the other day (Huntingbird [RRP $99] new with tags for $12!) are slightly too big for my non-existent ass.
I didn't find any jeans today, but I did find an awesome denim blazer, which I've been searching out for ages, for $9, and a super cute hand knit with adorable buttons. I just love the colour.



I've been keeping up with my sewing resolution of one project a week. Next week is MIL's birthday, and I'm making the Dapper Day Bag from the Sew Liberated book. I've been reading Meg's blog for almost three years, and I recently purchased both of her books. They are awesome. I'd better get a move on, though- all I've done is cut everything out and spend about an hour trying to make the cording before realising it was sheer folly with the narrow binding I had, so I have to start again.

I'm a porker!

Oh yeah, that's right! I've put on 3.5 kilograms! Woot!
I'm actually only 50.9, but I had to take a photo of this weight because I've never been over 50kg except during pregnancy. I think I must have needed to do a big poo when I took this photo. Haha!

The thing is, I have absolutely no idea how I managed to gain weight. I haven't been eating any more, exercising any more or less, or eating different foods. In any case, I'm just glad to have some junk in my trunk!

The bad part is that most of the weight has gone to my stomach. It looks the same as it did when I was early in my 2nd trimester! A fair bit has gone to my butt which is good. It feels firmer and not like two deflated balloons.

I have to buy some new jeans. My skinny jeans are ridiculously tight- I wore them last week and couldn't bend over. My favourite jeans, which have a fair bit of stretch in them, are a real struggle to zip up. I decided to buy some $10 Kmart jeans last week and the fit is sooooo bad- loose around the waist, crotch too low, thighs too tight. But I just have to deal with it for now until I can scour some op shops for a more suitable pair.

I never was hideously skinny, and I'm not/ never have been anorexic or bulimic, for those of you who don't know me well. I've always liked my body, but I just wanted to put on a few kilos.

Now I need to do some exercise to try and build up some muscle tone.

What to do, what to do?

I had always planned to go back to work one or two days a week in 2012. Lately, however, I've been itching to get back into some kind of paid work.

Don't get me wrong- I love being at home with the kids, but Elizabeth is such hard work mentally and I really feel that one day a week at work would do me a world of good. Sending her to day care is completely out of the question right now because she hates strangers, so I'm very lucky to have my mother in law around, who is more than happy to look after her (and Jimmy too, if another day of day care isn't an option).

This year I made myself a promise that I was going to rediscover the musician in me (ie. actually practise regularly, not just before a gig). I have (mostly) stuck to my resolution and the more I play, the more I want to play, and teach others to play and love music as I do.

I've been toying with the idea of registering as a teacher with the Queensland Government. As I have no education qualifications, I would only be able to teach on a temporary basis- covering for teachers who are on sick/ maternity/ long service leave. The work would possibly be sporadic, therefore with an unpredictable level of income, but I think it would be interesting to teach in lots of different schools. The one downfall is that any contracts I get will almost certainly be 3-5 days a week, which I don't want to do.

My other option is to try to get into a private school, which is the kind of work I've always done. The pay is very good (I think it's $65/hr now) and teaching one-on-one can be very rewarding. However, I'm kind of over spoilt private school kids and their attitudes, even if the snooty ones only make up a small percentage of the students I've taught.

Since I've started up my band, Funk Factory, I've been chatting to a lot of teachers in the public system (7 of the band members are public teachers) and it seems that they are so much more enthusiastic about teaching compared to the private school teachers I know. One of the band members, who was my high school band teacher, says he loves his job more and more every year- this is after more than 20 years on the job!

I think I need to chat to a few more people from both sides of the fence.

Frugal fashion

It's funny how much my attitude towards shopping has changed in the past few years. I used to think nothing of going out and buying whatever I wanted, but now I stop and think, "Can I make it? If not, can I borrow it, or buy it second hand?"

When buying clothes for myself, the only new purchases I make are underwear and basics like leggings, t shirts and jeans. Although I do love to make clothes for myself, it's hard to find styles that suit me. This tunic is really cool but the shape doesn't really do much for my figure- doesn't stop me wearing it at least once a week, though!

I really love this one. It's a knit one so has some shape in it. I've had this fabric sitting in my stash since I first started sewing 3 years ago, and never knew what to make with it. It was very difficult to work with and I need to do a lot more stretch sewing to improve my skills.



Every time I'm in the car, I've got one eye on the road and the other one scouring the sidewalk for op shops. Here is a skirt I bought at the end of summer from Thrift Chic Shop for $8. I love the colours and the print.



Oops- I don't know why this is sideways. This is a Portmans skirt, again from Thrift Chic, and $8. It is simply stunning. I can see myself wearing it with my lacy black top when I play at weddings.


Funky green retro shoes. I was stoked when I looked at these and they were my size! How many times do you spot something rad in an oppy then have your hopes crushed when you look at the size?
These were $5 from St Vinnies.



Okay, I know it's not clothing, but it's vintage Tupperware and it was 50 cents! Groovy, baby! This is from the Trinity Anglican Mission oppy in Robina. I went there today.




From the Trinity oppy. This one was $2.50. It looks awesome on!




From the Trinity one again. The photo simply does not do this dress any justice! It is stunning. When you put it on, it puffs out from under the high waistband and sits beautifully, like a 1950s frock. It also has a bubble skirt. This one was $10.

Just ploddin' along

Sorry I've been neglecting you, dear blog. I don't really have any excuse, other than I don't have much to say, and if I do, I find it hard to put into words.

The weeks just fly by in a blur of playdates, errands, cooking, playing outside in the winter sun, school runs, laundry, sleeping, waking (more and more often at night), laughter, tears, arguments, and loving moments. I just cannot believe how quickly the passage of time sneaks up on you. It seems like yesterday that my GP told me there was a problem with my unborn baby, and now she's a toddler!

Our girl started taking a few steps about a month ago, and is walking a lot now, although crawling is still her favoured method of transport. She eats anything and everything in sight, loves baths with her brother, whacking Jasper the dog, playing at the park or on our swing set, her dummy and Pinky, pulling all the Tupperware out of the drawer, and jumping on her brother's bed.



She is still a very difficult child compared to Jimmy. She has tantrums at the drop of a hat- I'm talking smashing her head against the wall, rolling around on the floor, screaming and throwing things. I find them quite comical.
She has started waking up a lot more at night, usually needing a bottle and nappy change at some stage, which is a bit of a pain considering she slept through the night until a couple of months ago. Oh well, if that's what she needs, that's what she gets. I cannot and will not use controlled crying as a method of teaching my children to sleep.
She still isn't talking much. She says mama, dada (very rarely), MimMim (Jimmy), Wappa (Jasper), ball, baby, mum-mum (dummy), and bah (bath).



Jimmy is starting to assert himself a lot more. Every so often, requests are met with a firm 'No!'. His appetite has been terrible for the past few days, even though he isn't sick. I guess he's just going through a phase. We don't hassle our kids to eat- they can choose to eat what they are given, or not. We don't offer any alternative food if the meal is refused.
Apart from that, he is still the most awesomely rad little dude on the face of the planet. He is SO funny. He is so well spoken, sweet and affectionate. All of the teachers at Montessori gush about how lovely he is. They are currently testing out moving him up to the next room but are taking it very slowly as last time ended up being a disaster.



His favourites at the moment are his trains, which he is asking to bring out every day lately; his Duplo (he and Lizzie love playing it together); playing outside with his dump truck and on the swing set; stories; ABC 2; play dough; and going to the park.
He does not seem the slightest bit interested in learning to recognise numbers or letters, but I'm not worried.



DH and I have been great. I'm so glad we have a strong relationship, otherwise I think I would have left because things with T have been really crap lately. However, after DH and I had a joint session with the psychologist last week, I have a better understanding of why T is acting the way she is, as well as a bit more compassion for her.

My band, Funk Factory, has its first performance in two weeks! How scary!!! It's just a 45 minute gig at the annual Gold Coast state schools' music camp, to entertain the kids and teachers. A few of the guys in the band teach at the camp every year, and one of them suggested we play there to practise performing before we do the scary public gigs. I can't wait! I must confess that I'm a little anxious....I am, after all, just a classical flute player with very little jazz experience, and absolutely no experience running a band! Oh well, I guess you've got to learn somehow!

Happy Mothers Day!

Today was an awesome Mothers Day!

It started with me sleeping in until 8:30am, which is about 3 hours later than I usually wake. That was quite a luxury. DH came in with the kids and they gave me cards they had made.







T and DH then made me breakfast in bed- coffee, apple juice, muesli and a plate of mandarin segments and crimson grapes. Yum!

After brekky I spent an hour or so tidying the house- it was an utter pigsty after I was away for 9 hours yesterday. Then I decided to make scones for afternoon tea and invited MIL over. My mum didn't get an invite or a 'Happy Mothers Day' from me.

Took the kids shopping to get supplies then when we got back DH made big brekky for lunch. It's a Sunday tradition for us. Then I had to get my butt into gear and make the scones whilst the kids made a card for their Gran. It was my first time making scones. They were perhaps cooked for a couple of minutes too long, but they were still good.



Jimmy entertained us all with his robot dance. That kid is the most hilarious little man ever.




DH made a mega-tasty Chinese dish for dinner- beef with mandarin. It was gorgeous. He also made baked custard for dessert.

Even though no money was spent on gifts or cards, I was thoroughly spoiled. My beautiful man made me delicious food, my stepdaughter was being extra helpful, and my kids were happy. What more could I ask for?

Recipe: Raspberry brownies

A friend just asked me for the recipe for my famous brownies, so I thought I'd share it here!

It's actually from my Reader's Digest Eat Well, Live Well recipe book, but I've fiddled with it over the years to get a truly yummy slice!

They are super easy and you only need to use one bowl and a spoon.

1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/3 cup warm water
1/4 cup vege/ canola oil
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla essence
1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 cup sifted plain flour
1/2 cup choc chips (I use dark and sometimes white as well)
3/4 cup raspberries

**Note- this is only enough to fill a square tin. I make mine in a large rectangular tray, and double all the measurements except the oil, sugar and brown sugar, which I just keep the same**

Preheat oven to 180 deg.
Grease tin/tray, or put a sheet of baking paper on it.
Stir water and cocoa in a bowl and let stand for 5 mins.
Stir in Oil, sugars, eggs, and vanilla.
Add baking powder and flour and stir for 2 mins.
Fold in choc chips and raspberries.
Pour into tin and spread evenly with a spatula.
Bake for 20 mins or until a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean.
Cool for minimum of 10 minutes, cut into squares or rectangles, and scoff!

Go on, make them! I dare ya!

Ramblings

There has been a change in the weather over the last week or so- the cool breeze feels just a little bit cooler each day. The next 6 or 7 months are my favourite part of the year. The Gold Coast is stunning in Autumn, Winter and Spring. I love being able to play outside with the kids without wiping sweat from my upper lip, and walking from the carpark to the shop without getting sunburnt. I love cold-weather clothes. Not that it actually ever reaches a temperature that Southerners would call cold. I love blue skies on a cool day, brown leaves underneath trees with naked branches, porridge for breakfast every day, hot cups of coffee, and warm cuddles.

The kids are loving their 'new' swing set (actually T's old one, which I've been nagging DH to set up for 5 years). Elizabeth and Jimmy sit on the double swing together and have a jolly old time. Jimmy keeps asking me if I can buy him 'a green slide or a yellow slide'.



The littlies are now in the same bedroom together. After the absolute BLISS of our night away, little miss woke up for her dummy 6 times and I decided the next day to move her our of our room. Yep, completely selfish, but she is with her brother and not alone. I fully expected it to be a huge failure, but she has settled in really well. There have been a couple of really crappy nights where I've had to go in 2 or 3 times for each of them, but mostly it's only once or twice. We have been putting them to bed at the same time (except for last night when she was really tired and he was awake until 8:30), reading them a story together on Jimmy's bed. It's a bit crowded in there but nice and cosy and they love it.




Psychologist appointments are going well. This week I am working on not treating T like persona non grata all the time. On Friday I'd promised we'd go to Dreamworld, but instead of taking the littlies like everyone assumed I would, I got Gran to come look after them and just the two of us went. We had a ball- went on heaps of rides. I made her go on the Cyclone (big roller coaster) even though she was saying she was scared and as soon as the ride finished she made me go on again- then asked for a third time but my almost 33 year old guts couldn't handle it!

DH and I have been very close lately. The night away did us more good than I could have imagined. We have been really affectionate with eachother. I've been enjoying giving him a big kiss and cuddle when he gets home from work, instead of 'letting' him plant a peck on my cheek.

Our house looks awesome with its freshly painted roof and awesome new patio roofs.

I've got a few sewing projects to get done. I made E a cute pair of corduroy pants with cuffs, just liek the ones I made Jimmy for his birthday. I'm now making a little vest in the same corduroy but it's proving to be an absolute ARSEHOLE of a garment. I need to make some items for friends' daughters, and a tunic top for me. Time to update my Works in Progress thingo.

Our 4th anniversary

Yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary.


DH had told me he was taking me away for the night, but he didn't tell me where- just that it was secluded and far away from everything. I thought how nice it would be to go to The Mouses House .
Lo and behold, we got into the car and he handed me a leaflet for the very same place and said, "That's where we're going!" Woohoo!

We arrived around 2:30pm. It was very cold in Springbrook and silly me hadn't brought any warm clothes. It was drizzling lightly so it was hard navigating the slippery boardwalk to our chalet. All of the chalets are named after characters from Snow White, and ours was Bashful.




It was stunningly beautiful inside- cosy, inviting, and romantic.



Here is a quick rundown on what we did:
-Spa bath
-Shag
-Watched Toy Story 3
- Dinner
-Spa bath
-Shag
-Sleep (accidentally, at about 8pm)
-Woke up at 10:30pm, went back to sleep
-Woke up at 6
-Watched Harry Brown
-Breakfast
-Shag

:)

Yep, it was just what we needed- both for ourselves and as a couple. The past few months have been so stressful for us and this one night away has done so much for us. Firstly, we got to sleep through the night without being woken 5 times. There were no chores to worry about- no gardening, no washing. No phones ringing. I felt truly relaxed for the first time in a long time and discovered that I actually do have a libido, after all.

So after we checked out, we decided to have a little drive around Springbrook as DH has never been there. It is stunningly beautiful. We drove to Best of All Lookout and did the 350m walk to the lookout in the pouring rain. We saw some amazing Antarctic Beeches on the way, but there was no view at the lookout- just dense cloud. It was quite spooky and amazing to look at but we only got to see it for 2 seconds because it was just too wet to stay there.

When we got back to the car, the remote wouldn't work, so we couldn't disarm the alarm to start the car. We spent 20 minutes faffing around with a screwdriver to get the battery out, only to discover there was nothing wrong with the battery- the insides of the remote had gotten wet. Then I looked down at my legs and saw all these little black wormy things on them, and a big fat one attached to my ankle. I got out of the car and shouted, "I'm fucking covered in leeches!!!" (Creepy crawlies don't really bother me, with the exception of cockroaches and leeches). It took me ages to get the buggers all off- they are like velcro.
By that time, the remote had dried out a bit and started working properly. We were both soaking and I was freezing. I snuggled up with Elizabeth and Jimmy's blankets that we keep in the car, then jumped straight in the shower when we got home, after giving my babies lots of hugs and kisses.

I've already told DH that from now on, we are going back to the Mouses House instead of giving eachother presents. He didn't argue ;)

One year, one month and two weeks.

That's how long I expressed for.

From the moment I found out that Elizabeth had a cleft lip and probably wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I vowed to provide her with expressed breast milk for at least one year. I'm very proud to have achieved my goal.

How easy it would have been for me to buy a tin of formula every week instead...but I simply could not do that. My baby deserves the best, not an inferior imitation.

The first six months were the hardest. I literally was a slave to my breast pump- expressing every 3 hours meant that I had to plan all my daily activities around pumping sessions. I had an abundance of milk and our freezer was struggling to cope. When Elizabeth was a few months old I found a mum and baby in need of donor milk and was only too happy to help out.




As the months wore on, Elizabeth's feeding requirements changed, as they do. She started sleeping through the night after her surgery at 4 and a half months, so the overnight pumping stopped. We introduced her to finger foods around 6 months and she was eating a fair bit by around 8 months, so she was taking less milk at each feed. Before I knew it, I was only expressing 3 times a day.

About a month before her birthday, I started to think about weaning. Although she still loved her booby milk, I wanted my life back. So I dropped down to two sessions a day. After two or three weeks, my supply started dropping right off and I went to one session a day. Gradually I went from a 200ml yield at each session to 100ml. Then I started noticing that my breasts weren't feeling full at the end of each day, so I skipped a day. Then another. Elizabeth refuses to have breast milk now, pushing the bottle away if we try to give it to her.
Now it's been 3 days since my last pumping session and where I once had firm, full breasts I now have two pathetically small, loose, soft dumplings. But I know that when I look at them, I'll be proud of the fact that they fed two children for thirteen months each.

Hey there!

I just noticed that since I wrote my last post, my page has had over 90 visits.

I know of maybe 5 people who regularly read my blog, so I find it really intriguing that there have been so many visits. I started this blog as a way of keeping a record of my feelings and documenting my parenting journey. It's a very boring blog.

So, if you're reading this post, I'd love it if you'd humour me and leave a comment telling me who you are.

Happy birthday to Jimmy

Yesterday was our little man's third birthday.

It just seems like last week that I was staring at him in the hospital crib, tears running down my face as I thought how quickly he would grow up and not be a baby any more.

He has grown to be such a funny, entertaining, intelligent, caring little boy. I feel very proud about the way I've raised him. He is still my baby in many ways, and never likes being away from his mummy for too long. He loves cuddles and climbing up into my lap for a kiss.

Although he's a great talker, he gets some things wrong which never fail to crack us up.
- "Look I what made/ look I what did"
- "Did you didn't do that?"
- " What are we're gonna do?"
- "Look what I'm got!"

Anyway, about his birthday. MIL and I were planning on taking him to Fleay's wildlife park. DH wasn't too happy about that as he was working but I said we could all go together another time. Jimmy had a runny nose and a slight cough the day before but woke up on his birthday as sick as a dog. Poor little man. I ended up in his bed with him and we were woken at 7am. He was pretty happy with his presents. He got a magnetic drawing board thingy, a plastic Ikea toolset which he adores, an Ikea abacus, a pair of light-up sneakers, and a mummy-made outfit.







After the school run, we went to see Gran and Granddad for morning tea and gifts. He got a cool educational wooden floor puzzle and a Very Hungry Caterpillar board game, which I've tried to play with him but he's been more interested in putting the little round pieces back into the piece of card they came in. Sigh.



His cough became steadily worse, and after his nap he had a huge coughing fit that had him very distressed so I decided to go to the chemist. The lady I spoke to thought it sounded like croup and suggested I go nextdoor to the doctor. I knew it wasn't croup as he's had it twice before but we went to the doctor anyway. Jimmy was a very patient patient and the doctor gave him two lollipops after telling me it was just a virus and no medication apart from Panadol would be necessary.

We had burritos for dinner and birthday cake for dessert (made by MIL, iced by me!). I felt really bad that he had such a dull birthday.
All week I'd been telling him that we were doing something special for his birthday, and on the way back from morning tea, he kept saying, "Are we going to something special now?". Poor little man. We wanted to go tomorrow, but he is still quite sick and so is Elizabeth. DH and I have it too but we mostly just have runny noses and the sneezes.

A happy post

Things have been great this week.

I've recovered from my little hissy fit last week and have decided not to worry about other people's opinions because they have no idea. Things with T have been really good this week and I've been trying to relax, have fun, and let her dad deal with her when he's home.

The little ones are doing well. Elizabeth is trying really hard to walk. She walks if we hold her hands, and sometimes if we hold just one hand. It's so sweet to see the determination on her face! Her sleep has been all over the place lately. For the last few nights she's woken around 2 or 3am and won't go back to sleep so we've been bringing her into our bed. Sometimes she goes straight to sleep, and other times she just squirms around like a lunatic until I get the shits and put her back in the cot. We were hoping to move her in with her brother soon but I really don't want to be getting up 4 times a night to put her dummy back in when she's in another room.

She has a few words now- Mum, poo (she curls her lips inwards and goes pppppp whist blowing air), and ball. I'm not worried about her speech at all, even though I know babies a lot younger than her who have a much wider vocabulary. Jimmy wasn't really saying very much at the same age and now he's an amazing talker.

Jimmy is such a joy. He entertains us all day long by saying silly things and showing off. Unfortunately he is spending far too much time in front of the television but I'm doing my best to whittle down the time spent in front of it. Now that he and Elizabeth enjoy playing together, I'm trying to get them both involved in activities together.

Jimmy is moving up to a different room at day care as of next week. The teachers have decided he is going to skip the next room (for 2-4 year olds) and go straight to the 3-6 year old room. The classroom is amazing and full of really interesting things to see and do, and Jimmy loves it. He spent the whole day there after morning tea for the last two weeks and will again this week. It's his third birthday on Friday and next week he will be able to formally join the Rembrandt room.

We are going to take him to Fleay's wildlife park on Friday. It's a surprise and he will love it. I haven't been there since high school so I'm looking forward to it.

Okay, no more woe-is-me blog posts. Only sunshiney, happy family ones.

I wonder how many of you reading my last few posts have judged me?

There is only one person on this earth who knows what it is like to try to be a mother to my steapdaughter, and that is ME. NOBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE. So please don't tell me how I should feel.

Yes, funnily enough, I did know that DH had a child when we got together. Did I know that, 8 years later, her mum would be happy for her to be living here practically all the time? No. Am I happy with that? Fuck no.

I see my friends with their happy little families...sure, their lives aren't perfect, but they aren't expected to love a child that they didn't give birth to.

Fuck, her own mother doesn't even like her. She doesn't give anyone any reason to like her. Her flute teacher told me that she, quote, 'doesn't go out of her way to make people like her'.

Maybe I'm a selfish bitch for wanting my kids to grow up in a household that isn't ruled by a spoilt brat.

I don't like doing this. I don't have a choice. Leaving my husband is not an option. I am allowed to feel like this.

She is a difficult child. Yes, the way I have been acting lately in response to her behaviour has not been acceptable. But fuck, I can only deal with it for so long until I crack.

I'm sick of having to justify my feelings to people. I wish they could come and be a fly on the wall and see the shit we have to put up with from her. She is a very, very difficult child- why the hell do you think her mother doesn't want her, yet is happy to have her 3 adult sons live at home? Yes, I realise her mum is an idiot.

This is the last blog post about her. It hurts too much to have people judge me.

I'm still here, and I'm okay...last week was a really, really bad week. DH stayed home for 4 days and T went to her mum's for the weekend, so I had some breathing space. I had a good session with my psychologist yesterday and am feeling confident that I can deal with things. We talked about the fact that I feel I have to shoulder all the parenting, due to my need for control and having things done my way, and she wants me to step back and leave it to DH when he's here. So I've been doing just that. I've realised that I don't need to be her parent 24/7, and I don't need to be the bad guy all the time. I deserve a break and I should give myself one.

Just in case anybody out there is worried about my sanity...

I had a very difficult session with my psychologist on Thursday. I cried pretty much the whole time and she said she couldn't see any of the Noelle that was there the previous week. She made me sign an agreement stating that I will not be alone with T until our next session. She said that she will have to report me if I ever lash out at T in a physical way again. Talk about a wake-up call.

My confidence is feeling shattered this week. I was so sure that I had my emotions under control, but not only did I engage in an argument with her, I hit her. Something I swore I would never do. The implications of it are too scary...what if her mum tells the police...I could have my blue card taken away, or worse...

Anyway, she is at her mum's for the weekend, and DH is off work for a while. He showed his boss the abusive text I sent him and his boss saw how serious things are.

I'm just so full of hate and I don't know how I got to this stage. It sucks.

This sucks.

I'm so sick of this.

This post will probably get deleted, just like the dozen or so others that I've written about my rocky relationship with my stepdaughter. Why? Because I don't want people to see my ugly side. My kids have been seeing my ugly side too much lately and I hate myself for it.

*Deleted*

This weekend has been sooooooo boring. I have not left the house since Friday and I'm getting serious cabin fever!

The roofer finally came and started our roof restoration early on Saturday morning, so all day we had to listen to his really loud gurney for blasting all the old paint off the roof tiles. I couldn't go anywhere because DH was working in the garden all day and taking stuff to the dump. He did that again all day today as well. I really love our house but the yard is sooooo much work. Everyone says "Oh, but all backyards are hard work". Well, they haven't seen ours. We were discussing today the possibility of having a yard dude come here on a regular basis so that DH can actually do things with his family instead of working his butt off in the yard every weekend. We are not the kind of people to pay others to do stuff we are capable of doing ourselves, but we are seriously considering it when I start working again. Which, if you're wondering, will be next year, but only one day a week.

The bad part about DH doing yard work all weekend is that I get stuck with the kids. I don't mean that to sound nasty, but after trying to keep them entertained all week, it's nice to have some time to do my own stuff on the weekend. Today I managed to do quite a bit of sewing. I took advantage of both children napping at the same time, and brought them both into the games room with me where they were happy to play with Lego and make a big mess.

Elizabeth got a cool cushion and some lovely board books for her birthday, and I've made a little reading corner next to the couch with her books stored in an old margarine container from my kitchenhand days. I decided to make a fabric basket for the books to go in, big enough to fit the margarine container in it for strength so it can be used to carry heavier items.





In true Noelle fashion, it was done very quickly and very dodgily. It has polyester batting to give it its shape, and some coordinating fabrics that I bought from Ikea ages ago but never used.
I think I might make another one to store our 'dunny can magazines' in.



Jimmy soon discovered another use for it- a basinette for Elizabeth's doll, Li'l Betty, whom he seems to have claimed as his own. He has never played with a doll before so I was very surprised that he knew what to do. He lifted up his shirt to give her a feed and made slurping noises, then burped her, tucked her into her bed, said "It's wake up time!" and then, "She's learning to walk now!". It was so cute.




I also started on, and almost finished, a nappy for Elizabeth. I took a photo of her stash the other day and was thinking that we have more than enough, then I realised I have enough nappy making fabrics to create a whole new stash. So I am going to try to make one or two per fortnight and sell on some of the ones she already has.

A friend have me some truly stunning minky- this grape colour (it looks burgundy in the pics) and a blue/green one. They are unbelievably soft and lush. I decided to try an applique on this one. It's pretty dodgy but not too bad. I'm slowly getting better at my satin stitch.





I'm trying the front snap version of the Darling Diapers pattern this time. I do love my side snappers but DH and MIL much prefer front fasteners, not 'backwards nappies'. Haha.
It will be an All-in-two, my nappy of choice.

Creations

Well, so far this year I've ALMOST stuck to my resolution of finishing one project a week. Almost.


First up was this special outfit for Elizabeth's birthday. I had bought a huge amount of fabric from someone on a forum, inluding two deliciously cute and girly cupcake prints. I decided on a romper because dresses are too awkward for crawling babies. I decided to use a crisp apple green instead of the typical pink.

I used two different vintage patterns, both by McCalls. The hat is a one-size-fits-all, so it's a wee bit on the big side, but still fine. Instead of lining it with plain, boring fabric, I used a cute print and added buttonholes next to the chin straps to make it fully reversible. I absolutely love it and I think the shape of the brim is so cute.

The romper I made perhaps one size too big, but the Scottish in me always wants things to fit for longer, so I made it in medium instead of small. I modified it by doing away with the leg elastic in a casing, opting instead for a rolled hem with thin elastic sewn a presser foot's width away from the edge to give the ruffled look that I think is just adorable. I added some pink ric rac and a purchased cupcake transfer (both Ebay buys).

Next up was something girly for Trudie's baby girl, who arrived earthside today (yay!!!).
I decided on a tiny weeny little pinafore to fit this winter. I made my pattern using a pinny of Elizabeth's and it turned out great. The corduroy fabric was from the same lot as the cupcake fabric. I used a nice dark, stiff denim for the 'good' side and experimented with my machine's blanket stitch around the applique.



I also decided to make a cute romper. I chose this sweet blue floral quilter's cotton because I think Trudie will like it. I made the small size, which will hopefully fit for a while. I put 3 different snap settings on the straps to make it last longer.


I put them in a box with some lovely hand knitted goodies- a dress that another dear friend made for Elizabeth which is unfortunately far too small; a pair of pants and matching beanie knit by my MIL as well as some booties; a totally adorable apricot cardi and bonnet set which was too big for Elizabeth last winter and too small now; and a few pairs of socks.



A couple of fitted nappies I made for an online swap. It's lucky I'm not a fan of fitteds, otherwise they'd never have made it to their new owner- they are just divine!
I cut the outers in 2 halves so that the pattern would be the right way up whether viewed from the back or the front.