Feeling miserable, trapped and confused

I'm so sick of feeling like this.

I am feeling like I would do almost anything to get away from my stepdaughter. I want to leave but at the same time it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

How could I leave my husband? How could I take my children away from their daddy, and not burst into tears when Jimmy cries for him and asks when he's coming home?

How can I live on my own? How can I be away from my children on weekends? How can I survive in an empty, lonely house every weekend?

But how can I go on like this? How can I keep living in misery, being mother to a child that I can't stand, whose own parents find it very difficult to like her? A child who, at 12 years of age, whinges constantly, is lazy, selfish, stubborn, and nasty? Who gets worse and worse every year, with the worst years yet to come, and whom 18 pyschology sessions seem to have been completely wasted on?

How can I keep doing this?

Time 'out'

I love Thursdays! Thursday is my 'time out' day. Jimmy goes to day care, and Elizabeth goes to her grandparents for the morning, or sometimes until I pick the big kids up in the afternoon.

I don't know why I find it so exciting to come home to an empty house and plan the day's housework. Where will I start? Should I hang out the washing first, or grab my clutter bucket and put everything back in its place? What a sad, sad soul I've become!

So this is what I did today:

- Washed and hung out a load of nappies and a load of clothes/ new fabric
- Folded and put away yesterday's clean nappies
- Made 3 litres of vegetable stock (first time! Will never buy stock again)
- Picked everything up off the floor in every room; put them back in their proper homes
- Dusted
- Cleaned both bathrooms with good ole bicarb and vinegar
- Vacuumed and mopped the whole house
- Emtied all the bins
- Made all the beds; put on winter blankets because it's been damn cold lately
- Turned a really cute but really tight dress that I never wear into a mega cute, 1950s style halter top (to wear out tomorrow night!)

A pretty productive day, I'm sure you'll agree! And the best part was picking up my darlings at the end of the day and seeing how happy they were to see me.